Yes, I do have issues
by Ivy-Parker
Summary: Yes. So this is me, Captain John Hart. And I have plans, big plans for Torchwood... Well, I don't, but you get the picture.
1. Rimaltines and toilets

I created this fanfic, because I thought that Capt. John Hart was one heck of a good character, so here is my first Torchwood fanfic, enjoy.

Also, this fanfic is going to be everything up to the last episode of Torchwood, but just differant. Okay? It's another perception of what could have happened.

Disclaimer: I only own the Rimaltines and Dogman.

* * *

"Does it hurt?" I laughed as I twisted the mans thumbs around.

"I- um…" The man stuttered.

I rolled my eyes, twisting harder "You know, the easiest thing to do, is just tell me, I won't mind!"

"But-"

"I think we know how this is going to end anyway, don't you?" The man blinked at me.

Dope.

He still didn't answer, I rolled my eyes, it was getting tedious. Just slightly.

"Okay, so, here is the deal" I said slowly, just so he could understand (I had a feeling it may be the accent) "You" I pointed to him "Are in excruciating pain. I" I pointed to myself "Am going to keep on twisting those lovely purple thumbs of yours right round…." He whimpered, "Until they fall off"

"I-"

His thumbs were already starting to crack, why was this so hard for him?

"Just. Tell. Me. Where. I. Can. Get. What. I. Want" Duh.

"Fine!" He snapped suddenly "I'll tell you"

"No need to get touchy now!" I smiled, letting go off his thumbs, and grabbing his neck instead (when I say neck, he was a bit overweight, so there wasn't really much of a neck to grab) "WHERE. IS. IT?"

"Earth!" He yelled "For Dogmans sake! Earth!"

Crud.

A bell started ringing somewhere, the bloody idiot had gotten too smart, and found out that there was a fire alarm next to him. So much for Rimaltines having a low IQ.

"Not good" I muttered "Really not good… Why the fuck are you smiling?!"

I pulled out my gun, and with a bang, he was gone.

"Well lads" I said, as a bunch of soldiers came towards me, each clutching bigger guns than me (at least mine lasts longer) "This has been… Enjoyable, but… Alas, you must see me go"

So, I did the simple thing. Ran.

It's what everyone/thing has to do at some point, can't really control that, unless you're Jabba the hut or whatever out of star wars. He just sort of sits there.

"Oi! Stop!"

Oh, yeah, you know. Because I'm really gonna stop because an old dude tells me too, bang there he goes again.

"HE JUST KILLED THE KING, SOMEONE STOP HIM!!"

Bad idea that, well done John, a real round of applause to John Hart, smart arse of the galaxy. Still, he should have had some sort of warning sign over his head, a neon light that said "Don't kill me, I'm king!"

"HE EVEN BROKE THE SIGN THAT TOLD US NOT TO KILL HIM BECAUSE HE'S KING!!" Someone screamed.

Note to self: Get eyes tested.

"GET AFTER HIM!! VILLAGERS UNITE!!"

Aaw... crap, when they say 'villagers' they mean a 'village' with a population of 3.6 million, they're at it like rabbits! (I'm not ashamed to admit that that was the initial reason of me coming to this planet.)

"Look, look!" I turned around, holding my hands in the, in defeat.

"HE'S GOING TO KILL US!!"

Oh, yeah, I forgot that in this planet, holding your hands in the air means 'I'm going to kill you all, so I suggest you run' which normally, I wouldn't have minded doing, but they all have very good weapons aiming at me right this second.

"YOU HAVE GOT TEN SECONDS TO SURRENDER, PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN, AND WE WILL NOT SHOOT!" A voice came from nowhere.

Umm… Shit.

"Okay!" I put my arms down "But… LOOK!! WHAT'S THAT?!" I waved my arms, pointing into the sky "IT'S A PLANE!!" Everyone turned around, desperately looking for this plane. Imbeciles.

"BYE!!"

I love the time vortex, it's got that wooshy feeling, something you can't really describe, unfortunate thing is, I still get travel sickness from it, and I forgot my bucket.

So, let me explain. Because that's what you do in this kind of thing, explain, just so that I know what's going on here, and what I plan to do.

I am Captain John Hart, I used to work for the time agency, cheating my way up the ranks (I slept with my bosses- man, woman or alien) until it closed down, I then found out about a jewel, and attempted to trick several people into doing my leg work- I was feeling lazy. I got caught and was forced to go somewhere else. I went on a lovely holiday to the planet Barcelona. I got a toy dog, which has no nose.

Whilst I was on Earth, I discovered a man who cannot die. His name is Captain Jack Harkness. My ex boyfriend/wife. Great arse.

Only then, I had a few... Difficulties with his brother. He kind of went mad. But i'll explain that later.

Eventually, after what seemed to be several solar systems going by (to tell the truth, it was) I got there, ready to throw up in the next public toilet because I hadn't got my bucket, and I'd left my travel sickness pill behind.

Fucking toilet was locked.

* * *

Yeah, so this is the story so far, I'm really looking forward to next weeks episode, and I plan to update some time soon. Torchwood is going to be apart of this, so rest assured.

Please R&R, preferably no flames.


	2. Smiles and bad sayings

Thanks for all the reviews, my thanks to: **Kateg123, Souless-tears, barbequed hamster, doctor-who-mad-gal** (we meet again)**timelady1210, and Ruth Emma Renoldy.**

Yep, so this is the second chapter, my friends and I have spent the past week arguing who the best characters are, mine is very different to theirs. They all hate Owen (don't ask, I just think he's cool)

Oh, and I didn't really like the last episode. But feel free to give me your opinions.

* * *

Right, so here I was. Well, I think I was in Cardiff. I had just thrown up almost all of my insides in what I think was a bin (it didn't look like the ones on other planets) and I am now thinking of my plan.

So, this is I, trying to remember Gray's plan.

And failing.

I figure, if I make something really big happen, I could get their attention, like a spoiled brat desperate for more toys or something. Or I could just break in to Torchwood and kill whatever is in sight.

I mean, as long as I do the general _outline_ of the job, Gray won't exactly notice

Do people always need a sidekick at these times? I dunno, I suppose it would be fun to have one, like Batman and Robin. I remember Jack used to fancy the pants off those guys. Loser, I prefer Johnny Depp. Hot.

After that short lapse, I decided to do something, no idea what, I need one of those spur of the moment things.

"Oy! FUCKER!!" I screamed at a random guy, rather stupidly, he turned out to have huge muscles, and several knives.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" He yelled back.

Did I mention the fact that he had a gang of about fifty other people?

"Yeah, what did you just say?" Another came up to me.

"Err… I said, and I quote: 'Oy! FUCKER!!'" The guy came up to me.

This is it. I will die.

Any second now.

He grabbed me.

"Now, now, I don't think there's any need for this, do you?" A voice came up behind the macho dude.

This would be perfection itself, if the guy wasn't grabbing onto me, lifting me up, and breathing into my face.

He really needed to brush his teeth.

"Could we stop?" The man came over. Captain Jack Harkness.

Now what are the chances of that happening?

Fortunately, he didn't notice who I was, I'm betting if he did, Jack would let this guy tear me up.

"Okay, so you have ten seconds to put this guy down." Jack said. The rest of his guys came over.

Alas, Eye-Candy.

Vera Lady... Who is slightly mental.

Brain-Box-Nerd-Girl.

Medicine man!

All of whom I would like to kill.

"Problem, Jack?" One of them said.

"For fucks sake!" I wriggled about.

"Look, just drop him, and I'll buy you drink, yeah?" Jack said, doing that stupid smile.

Slut.

Eventually, the idiot put me down. I groaned as I hit the floor. Hard.

"You okay?" Medicine man held out his hand.

I would take it, but I couldn't let them know who I was.

"No. Sod off" I muttered.

"Alright mate, no need to be so harsh" He frowned down at me.

Piss off already.

"Come on guys, let's go," Jack said to the others. I listened as they all walked off.

And so this is where my plan begins.

Like I said (or may not, as my memory isn't at it's best at the moment) Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success…

…That so did not work.

* * *

Please R&R!

Oh, and i did this really quickly, so sorry if you find it rubbish!


	3. High as the sky on designer deoderant

Yo dudes.

Yep, I know I forgot to do the disclaimer last chapter, my bad.

My thanks to my lovely little reviewers**: Lyra The Badwolf, Timelady1210, Dru, Kateg123 and Doctor-Who-Mad-Gal.**

I am currently listening to **The Sounds**, and it's this really fast and weird song, so this chapter may be weird, sorry.

Disclaimer: The Sounds are not mine (crap!) and I don't own Torchwood (shit)

* * *

This is me (duh) Captain John Hart. Stalking Torchwood.

That must have sounded really weird, but last time they only showed me the 'visitors entrance' (a fancy word for saying, 'just one look, then fuck off') and I needed to know the real entrance, I didn't fancy smashing up the ground, and then leaping down the hole, to my death. Not my cup of tea, thank-you very much!

Where's the music? There should be some James Bond style stuff coming up!

I started humming it under my breath.

You know, I think that might be what caught their attention.

"What's that?" One of them said.

Please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad, please say it's just him going mad.

"It's just your brain going all strange Owen," A girls voice laughed.

I have just fallen in love with you.

"Guys, come on, let's get to the SUV, okay?" Jack said loudly.

What?! Did he expect me to sprint after them? Do I look like some kind of racing dog?!

"IDIOTS!!" I screamed, my temper getting the better of me.

They all spun around. Shit!

Mind you, what the fuck was I expecting?

Allsorts, come to think of it.

Vera-lady to come and head-butt me or something.

Medicine man to inject something vile into me again. (Acid?)

Jack to tear me apart (maybe not for calling him an idiot, more for the fact I was there)

Eye candy to pour coffee over me (thinking this may be out of jealousy)

And the nerd-computer-I-learnt-to-hack-when-I-was-1.6736825-years-of-age-girl to… I dunno, throw a memory stick at me?

"What did you just say to me?" Medicine dude stormed over, I hid my face.

"It was to all of you, rather than just _you_," I muttered.

Oh, yeah, because that will get them to leave you alone.

"All of us?"

Aaw crap, they _all _came over.

I should be running.

Why am I not running?

"I'm running!" I blurted out.

John, there's a difference between saying you're doing it and actually doing it. I think we all learnt that from helping out Gray.

"What?"

"In fact, I'm sprinting"

"Leave it, I bet he's high" Vera girl muttered.

I rolled my eyes, they couldn't see this. I was hiding in the shadows.

"Yup!" I shrieked "AS THE SKY"

They wanted me to be high; I shall pretend to be high.

"C'mon, let's just…go" They all edged away from me.

"Hey! This is designer deodorant!" I snapped.

I don't smell, right?

* * *

**Three days later.**

So I lost them. I admit it. I fucked up. Gray will kill me.

And now I need to un-fuck (never thought I'd be thinking that)

I'm sitting in a club, drinking enough to fill a pool, and am surrounded by about 30 girls. And men.

I admit I am unsure which to pick.

God, how I want that poodle.

And I have a new plan!!

Joy to the world! Let us dance to Joy Division!

I figure, if I get one of them drunk. They will... Get Jack for me!

Magnificent.

I'm fantastic, aren't I?

I hope this doesn't seem to arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world.

No. Universe, galaxy, everything!!

In fact in my opinion, when I say great, that is just me being modest.

"Funny isn't it?" One of the girls next to me slurred, "That those wrinkles of yours make you seem so… so…"

THEY'RE LAUGHER LINES, DAMMIT.

"So, what?" I snapped.

"What's the word?" She said to her friend, who thought about it.

"Fickle"

Where the fuck did that come from?

"Yeah well…" It was time to be childish "If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M."

HOW'S THAT?

They both blinked at me, and walked off.

They walked off.

I pulled out my gun, and with a bang, they were gone.

I blinked down at them, poor sods. There is no vaccine against stupidity.

* * *

Okay, so this chapter was really random, and I do plan on him coming face to face with Torchwood, and using the people's full names (i.e. Gwen rather than Vera Lady)

Please R&R


	4. Triple chocolate ice cream, anyone?

Hey dudes/dudettes.

Okay so first off, I got a PM from someone asking about my name, it's a song by **Boykillboy**, and they're really good, and when I created my fanfic account, I was listening to them. Ivy Parker is **not **my name.

A thanks to my reviewers for the last chapter: **Bobislove, Lyra the badwolf, Souless-tears, rarax1, timelady1210, Dru, doctor-who-mad-gal, pen-to-paper scribble **and** Kateg123.**Ta!

Now (sorry about the authors notes bit being long) I would like to thank: **Pen-to-paper scribble** and **Charli CHALK** for being my 'go-to-girls'. you rock.

* * *

Dum, de dum…

Thinking of Torchwood.

Ways to kill 'em.

I could just stab them all…. Nah, slow and painful, but the enjoyment would be over to quickly.

Poison? Already done that, it gets dull after a while.

I brain freeze them with ice cream! Nope, I think they'd suspect something if I start being nice to them and handing triple chocolate ice cream around.

I paper cut them so much… that they bleed to death!!

Got it!! I might learn how to use the boomerang, and _then _throw a chainsaw at them! Beautiful. Truly beautiful.

I'm in what humans call a hotel. It's grubby, smells funny, and I have a small idea that some of the women in the hotel fancy me.

Not that I'm complaining.

My plan is to break into Torchwood... and kill all!

It's short. But simple.

I left the hotel and walked off to that strange tower… thing.

And stepped on the tile.

Which did not move.

Why isn't it moving?

"Fuck" I muttered. This is me, getting slightly pissed off.

But! Thank god for… The wrist strap!! I know!! Oh yeah!!

Well, in a way I hate the thing, because it makes me into a bomb... But apart from THAT.

I pushed a few buttons, and smiled as the floor started to move.

"OH YEEAAAH!! TAKE THAT, YOU WHORES!! OH YEAH, UH HUH, WHO'S THE BEST?? WHO? WHO? UH-UH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, I'M GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! OH YEEEAAAH!!"

"Jack, did you hear something?" A girl's voice said.

Oh, forgot about that.

Shit.

"I dunno" Jack replied "Tosh? Have a snoop, yeah?"

'Snoop' as in Snoop Dog? Or 'Snoop' as in 'we're gonna be nosy'??

I have a ton of stuff to learn about being on Earth.

Like learning to stay quiet.

"Hi guys!!" I said happily.

"What?" One with a London accent said, "Who said that?"

I thought Torchwood was supposed to be smart.

I rolled my eyes as I stepped off of the weird step… Thing.

"Me?" I looked around the hub.

God, it'd gotten worse. The smell was truly disgusting (mind you, the place was never exactly a bed of roses) there were coats strewn all over the place, and there were pizza boxes everywhere.

"I thought coffee boy was also supposed to be some sort of caretaker?" I asked, "You know, someone to clear up the shit?"

They all looked at me.

Well, they glared at me. Not even that. They looked _murderous._

"Jack! Security protocols!" Geek yelled.

"Or not" I laughed, I got out my wrist strap (it was really useful nowadays... Sort of) it beeped loudly "Yeah, your guns now do not work…."

Shit. Wrong button.

"… And now neither does mine"

CRAP!

Jack blinked at me "Clearly your sense of technology has improved" He said sarcastically.

"You have more wrinkles," I muttered. That wiped the smile off of his face.

"At least I use night cream!" He yelled back.

I sighed, "Night cream makes you smell funny!"

It's true, in the (very strange) five years that I was with him, he used night cream, and I couldn't bear to even look at him. Trust me, he looked like a koala that was trying to learn how to shave.

"MOVING ON!" Coffee boy snapped "So… We all have no weapons"

"Except our fists!" Gwen said viscously.

Kinky. I do love a girl who's rough.

We all paused. We all looked around.

I sprinted over for anything sharp. The rest off them disappeared for a second.

Nerd girl came out first "HA!"

She was clutching a keyboard. She expected to hurt me… With a keyboard from her computer?!

Jack came out next.

"I'M ARMED!!" He yelled.

He was holding a hand in a jar.

"What the-"

"I'M ARMED!" He repeated.

"Figuratively… Or literally?" I asked.

Coffee boy came up, clutching a kettle "You may have crapped up our guns… But we're good at improvising!"

"But that's the new one!" Jack groaned.

Medicine man came out next. He had a bandage in his hands, like they do in the films when they're going to strangle someone with it.

"You guys have seen Charlie's Angels one too many times," I said.

"Wait" Jack paused "Where's Gwen?"

"HERE!!" Gwen yelled.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"Gwen" Jack said, "You realise that-"

"Yes, I am using a weevil for my defence mechanism" She nodded.

"No!" I frowned "That's not allowed! Ref!"

They all blinked at me. Crap! I need a weapon. I looked around, and spotted an alien artefact, it looked kinda precious. I grabbed it.

"Ha! Now I have a weapon!"

"You realise" Nerd girl said "That… What you're holding is a whisk, right?"

How the fuck should I know what a whisk is?

* * *

Please R &R. (No flames please)

And yeah, i know, this chapter is weird. So very weird.


	5. Kettle or skillet Your choice

Hey again.

First off, I got a PM from someone asking about my name, it's a song by**Boykillboy**, and they're really good, and when I created my fanfic account, I was listening to them. Ivy Parker is **not **my name.

I would like to thank: **Pen-to-paper scribble** and **Charli CHALK** for being my 'go-to-girls'. You rock.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

* * *

"Well… It should cause some damage!!" I yelled, waving it about "En guard!!"

"I'm happy to let this go, you know" Vera Girl smiled at me. Nudging her head in the direction of the... Thing.

She's lying, right?

Right?

"She isn't lying you know" Jack said to me, edging closer.

"Back off!!" I yelled, "I'm armed!"

"Oh really?" Jack looked at his 'weapon' of choice "Funny that, 'cause so am I!"

Curses!

"I always knew this thing would come in… Handy" Jack said, smiling his idiotictly-yet-truly-sexy smile.

Trust me, I groaned just as loud as everyone else in the hub.

"That's just ridiculous!" I snapped.

"You could say it was…. Nail bitingly stupid" Nerd girl laughed.

I'd say it was torture.

I rolled my eyes "If you lot don't shut up… I will strangle you, with that hand!!"

Funny that, for once they shut up.

Except one of them.

And it doesn't take a genius to guess whom.

"Why are you here?" Jack said loudly.

Alas, my big moment!

"Well-"

SCRREEECCHHH!!

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" I screamed, diving for cover.

"Pterodactyl" Nerd girl said simply.

I got up, muttering stuff under my breath, trust me, that thing WILL be dead by the end of today.

"I am here because…"

_This_ is my big moment, and I wasn't going to let some overgrown bird take it away from me.

"I, Captain John Hart plan to kidnap you!"

They all paused.

"Me?" Coffee boy said "I'll live, thanks though"

Oh god, they get thicker by the minute.

"Same!"

"Not my cup of tea"

"Nope!"

There was only one that stayed silent. How odd.

"And you, Jack?" I said calmly.

"Well, obviously I don't really agree..." He said, his fingers rapped against the glass that was trapping the hand.

"Yeah, so… If you others could just sod off, I'm going to tie you up I smiled at them "Oh, and I may just shag him beforehand and- OUCH!!"

That hurt!!

A kettle had been thrown at me. A KETTLE.

"Just thank god I didn't get the skillet" Coffee boy muttered.

It would help if I knew what a skillet _is_.

But it sounded dangerous, so I backed off a bit.

"Anyways!" I said loudly "I plan to do something to capture Jack, get rich and _not_ die tryin', so to speak, and…."

This is my favourite part.

"RULE THE WORLD!!"

They all blinked at me.

"That's impossible... You're capturing someone from Torchwood"

Why would he want to get rid of a power like that?!

"Besides" Jack said "I'll probably annoy you"

I think Gray will sort that factor out.

I shrugged.

"Now, all off you leave, so I can get down to business!" I waved all the others off.

Actually…

"WAIT!!" I yelled, "I need, medicine man, nerd girl and possibly coffee boy"

"It's Owen."

"Toshiko"

"And Ianto"

Isn't that what I said?

"Why?" Jack asked.

"Medicine man can help out, nerd girl can film my brilliance, and coffee boy… Well, he's cute…" I winked at him.

"You're evil!" Vera person yelled at me.

"So?"

And then it clicked.

"Are you coming onto me?"

* * *

Okay, so that's what I've gotten so far, my deepest apologies, it's a really dull chapter, but you know… What until you see what happens next!

Please R&R, constructive criticism rather than flames.


	6. Deaf boyfriends with flexible muscles

XD

First off, I got a PM from someone asking about my name, it's a song by**Boykillboy**(who rock, by the way!), and they're really good, and when I created my fanfic account, I was listening to them. Ivy Parker is **not **my name.

My thanks to: **timelady1210, Dru, Souless-tears, doctor-who-mad-gal, rocmysox, Lyra the Badwolf, pen-to-paper scribble, spikeromanceloverobsession... and kateg123.** Thanks!

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

I hate this chapter. And I am so sorry, it explains all at the end.

* * *

They all stared at me like I was some kind of nutter. How rude.

"No" She said slowly "Why would I want to?!"

She's just embarrassed.

"Sure?" I said, "Because you know… Last time I met you…"

"DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GET YOUR FACE RIPPED OFF?!" She screamed at me, loosening her hand on the… Ugly mug's chains.

On one hand, if I did get my face ripped off, I could get a transplant, and I won't be recognised, therefore the police won't recognise that I'm a wanted man and chase after me wherever I go.

On the other hand. This face is just so darn handsome.

So I backed off a bit.

I mean, she'll come round to my way of thinking soon anyways.

And it didn't stop me from winking at her.

"Really? Are you really that desperate?" She asked me.

"This is nonsense!" Jack said loudly.

Just because he's jealous of me and Vera Girl getting on well together.

"Look" I said "Here is what is going to happen"

So thick they need the slow approach.

"Well, I have to capture you, and, you know... Basically fuck up your life"

"Right" Jack nodded.

They seem enthusiastic.

"Off you pop then" I jerked my head in the direction of some handcuffs.

"Fine" Jack said simply.

Whao… I thought we'd have to beat each other up first or something. Naked mud wrestling maybe… Mm…

"What?"

"What?!"

"WHAT?!"

Get a grip. Losers!

"I've lived too long" Jack said "And I feel that my time will be over soon, I wish you all luck and-"

"Oh, spare the bloody speech!" I yelled "Shirt off and get the handcuffs on!"

I would have asked for trousers off…

Jack winked at me (with his shiny eyes) and took off his shirt.

"Must you flex your muscles as you do it?" I sighed.

Show off.

"Okay... So"

Damn. What was I supposed to do next?

"What?" Jack was looking at me.

"Right. Now just... Stay where you are" I said to him.

He won't run off, right?

I opened my wristwatch (still painful!) and tried to get ahold of Gray.

ANSWER MACHINE?!

I looked around. Damn, I need to stall.

I turned at smiled at Jack.

"Now I'm guessing that your little friends are going to try and shoot me, so…"

* * *

** Half an hour later.**

"YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE!!" Gwen screamed "FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING-"

"Now. Language!" I smiled, leaning against the cell.

She slammed herself against it. I think she was hoping that she could walk through walls or something.

"ARSEHOLE!!"

God, manners. I feel sorry for her boyfriend.

"Look if you can just-"

Ring.

Ring ring.

"Don't. You. Dare"

I've always wanted to go on one of those… Mobile things, I grabbed her jacket and shook it until it fell out.

Help if I knew how to answer the call.

"Um…" I prodded a couple of buttons "HELLO?"

"Hi… Yeah, is Gwen there?"

"NO. SHE IS BUSY" I yelled.

"He isn't deaf!" Gwen snapped at me.

"Are you alright, mate?"

"I AM FINE. CAN. YOU. HEAR ME?" I screamed

"But…"

Um…

BANG!

"What! You shot my phone!" Gwen yelled, "That was new!!"

"So, it's not about being locked up and me killing Jack anymore… It's about your phone?"

"Um…"

No need for a reply there then.

* * *

"Okay Jack" I smiled, leaning over him (and trying to avert my eyes away from his... strong and flexing, smooth and tanned... chest) "Comfy?"

"Well, I am a little cold-"

"Good!"

I watched ER or something the other day. So I plan to copy off of that and hope for the best. It was dead dramatic.

"Okay… Knife!" I yelled.

"WHAT?!" Jack screamed.

"Well... I just want to see how long it takes for you to die" I smiled to him.

Jack blinked at me, and grumbled something.

* * *

So this chapter was SO crap. Sorry!!

Please R&R, no flames. My deepest apologies.


	7. Just can't get you out of my head

Boo.

Okay, so my deepest, deepest DEEPEST apologies for the last chapter. I totally hated it, and afterwards I was kicking myself because of it (and because I was doing that rather than homework and got told off)

But if it helps, because it was rubbish, I decided to update quicker! XD

I'm currently knitting… Hm… It gives me epiphanies!!

My thanks to: **Dru, Lyra the Badwolf, doctor-who-mad-gal**, and**kateg123** for reviewing!

Oh, and the same applies to before, if you have any spoilers PM me.

AND (last but most certainly NOT least) Thanks to… **Doctor-who-mad-gal**!! –Applause- for great help, and showing me John Barrowman's autograph!!

* * *

"Right" This should be simple.

Should be.

"Just give me the damn knife!" I snapped to minion.

(I've forced the medical man to help me)

"Well, it kinda depends on what one you want" He said to me.

Do I look like I care?

"All of them then!" I snapped.

Jack looked up at me; I think he was starting to get worried.

"Actually, you know, I think we should just call it a- OW!!" He screamed.

Always wanted to do that.

"You just kicked him in the crotch!!" Owen yelled, defending his own. Just in case.

"Oh god" Jack groaned on the floor.

"Knife!" I snapped at Owen, who backed away.

With any help, he'll tell me what a knife _is_.

"Private down" Jack whimpered.

I looked up at Coffee/eye candy boy, who was gawping at him.

"Well, I wouldn't say _Private_" I laughed. He glared at me "What? Don't tell me you never did the tape measure thing"

"It lied!" He said quickly.

Ah, that's what I thought…

Jack grabbed onto a table and pulled himself up "That- Was uncalled for!"

"Yeah yeah. Sit!" I snapped, pointing at the table, I grabbed something (it looked sharp and like it could do a lot of damage!)

WAIT! What would Doctor-oh-so-hot-but-crap-at-relationships-in-ER-or-some-over-dramatic-medical-show do?

"Okay, so I'm going to saw you up... And, you know... Watch as you die" I said to Jack.

That's what they do, right?

I moved the sharp thing closer towards Jack "Now- Stay still"

"DARLING, WHERE ARE YOU?!"

Crap.

Oh crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

This isn't happening.

It was my wrist strap. We all stared at it.

"…What?" Jack laughed.

"DARLING!!" She screeched again. Jack grabbed my wrist.

"Hello?" He said, trying hard not to laugh.

This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening!!

"HONEY, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Who is that?" Owen said.

"Um… No-one…" I muttered.

"Well she seems to know you!" Jack said.

"DARLING, THE TABLES HAVE BEEN BOOKED AND WE HAVE THAT APPOINTMENT WITH THE DOCTOR AT ONE, REMEMBER? WE REALLY MUST ASK HIM ABOUT YOUR-"

Jack blinked at me as I hurriedly turned the thing off.

"That is Alice" I muttered, "She knows me. I know her. You know"

"Okay then…"

"I mean, she's hot. Like H-O-T, but… A bit…"

Jack raised his eyebrows.

"Very… OTT"

But a hot OTT girl at that.

WAIT! Hang on a minute. HANG ON ONE LITTLE OTT GIRL SECOND.

I spun around "Ah"

Crud.

Eye Candy (or Ianto as he preferred), Nerd-I-know-where-you-live-because-I-can-hack girl (or Tish or something-I forget) and The Doctor dude were all there.

With guns.

"I thought they didn't work"

Nerd Girl rolled her eyes, as if it was _obvious _"Yeah, I hacked into your signal, then dissected the…"

Oh, here we go.

* * *

**Twenty Minutes later.**

"And then closed it" She finished "And that's how these guns not work"

Sorry, let me just get out of my pyjamas!

"Sorry, you're just too slow" Jack said limping up behind me "I-ow… Think you should spend the night in the cells, just 'till we think of what to do with you"

Life's a bitch.

"Okay" I snapped as one of them grabbed me "Ooh... Kinky"

They pushed me into the cell.

So here I am. Alone with only my thoughts and an ugly thing to accompany me.

Oh god, I'm going to die here!

Do fish burp?

I just cant get you out of my head…

It's begun.

_La la la, la la la la la, la la la, la la la la laaaa…_

"GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CELL!!" I screamed, banging my fists against the wall.

"Language" A voice said, through the intercom.

_I just can't get you out of my head_

"Someone kill me"

_Boy your loving is all I think about_

The creature thing growled

_I just can't get you out of my head_

"Not you!"

_Boy it's more than I dare to think about_

"NNNNOOOOOOO!!"

* * *

Yeah, so that's the chapter. I was going to cut Jack up, but the thought of blood makes me feel a bit funny (weirdly enough, I don't faint at the sight of other peoples blood… Just my own)

That last bit, with the italics was jsut him going a bit.. you know... loopy (not that he wasn't already)

XD

Hope this chapter is a bit better. Once again, my apologies for the last chapter.

Please r&r, no flames.

-ivy-


	8. It's rather annoying

Howdy!

First off, I hate Tosh/Owen fics, in my opinion that kiss was Owen to get Tosh to shut up and save herself, not him trying to say "I've always loved you, and I promise you that after all this, we will get married!" NU-UH!!

First off, I got a PM from someone asking about my name, it's a song by**Boykillboy**(who rock, by the way!), and they're really good, and when I created my fanfic account, I was listening to them. Ivy Parker is **not**my name.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Oh, and the same applies to before, if you have any spoilers PM me.

Thanks to: **Crazyfortorchwood, Caluthea, doctor-who-mad-gal, timelady1210, kateg123, soulless-tears, dru and pen-to-paper scribbles for reviewing the last chapter.**

Yeah, sorry but this chapter is really short, because I'm about to go out, and this random thought came into my head. Sorry!

* * *

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVEWS, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…."

I think it's working.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…"

I have been repeating that for the past six and a half hours.

Make it seven.

My throat is dry, the ugly thing is howling, I'm hungry, cold, and thirsty, my bum hurts because I've sat in the same place, and I have pins and needles in my feet.

But I'm betting the team are having a FAR worse time.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…"

It. Is. In. My. Head.

And hopefully in theirs!

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

"ONE MORE FUCKING TIME AND I SWEAR I'LL KILL HIM!"

Alas…

THEY TOOK THEIR TIME!!

"Gwen, calm down, it's what he wants you to do" Jack said.

Actually, what I want them to do is get me a toilet.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!!" A scream came from down the hall.

"GWEN!"

"I'll get the gun!" The Londoner piped up.

Gee, thanks.

Jack walked into the room, his face was red and looked like it had been scratched.

"What…" I paused when he glared at me.

OH!

"Can't help it if you can't keep your employees under control!" I laughed.

"Oh, that's not Gwen's doing… Ianto threw the skillet at me!" He snapped.

I bet eye candy looks hot when he's pissed off.

I drew in my breath.

I going for the Oscar!

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!! I KNOW A- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!"

"GWEN!" Jack yelled "WHAT DID I TELL YOU?!"

In.

Pain.

"What?! You're telling ME off?!" She yelled.

"YOU DON'T THROW THINGS AT MY PRISONERS!"

Especially not a sharp thing!

"Sorry" She breathed for a second "But one more time…"

"GWEN!" Jack snapped.

"I thought I did pretty well" I smiled to Jack.

"When are you going to realise you can't sing?" Jack sighed "The weevil isn't howling because of the rift or anything, it's howling because of you!"

I thought we were both very harmonic.

Just because he wanted to be one of the Spice Girls when he was growing up.

"Let me out?" I looked at him.

"No"

"Please?"

"No"

"Pretty please?"

"NO!!"

You know, I think he's worried I might take his lover boy away from him.

I would if I could. Trust me.

"Fine!" I snapped, turning away from him "But… I feel I must tell you something…"

"What?" Jack eyed me suspiciously.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

"JACK!" One of them screamed "LITTLE HELP UP HERE!"

"WHY?" He yelled back.

"GWEN'S GOT A HOLD OF A GUN!!"

"I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THAT ANNOYING TWAT DOES THAT ONE MORE TIME!!"

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

This is fun.

Maybe I should sing the hokey kokey?

Now, Gray said that if I where to get locked up, all I need to do is blow myself up (by the wristwatch)

I think my plan is better.

* * *

This chapter was soooo short. Sorry.

Please R&R!


	9. My Darling Olad

**Thanks to: Skankdragon Blackheart, ****ggfuatuiwwgiac, timelady1210, crazyfortorchwood, soulless-tears, SgtGroganSG, Dru, Kateg123, and doctor-who-mad-gal.**

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

OH, and a skillet is a type of frying pan (for those who don't know) and… A heavy metal rock band. I have never listened to them… I shall later.

* * *

"So here I was, right, stuck in this icy frozen desert, and about one hundred women all trying to get at me, right…" I laughed.

This is my only saviour.

It was a silent one.

"Not very chatty today are you?" I asked her.

I named her Olad.

"Moving on, and then what happened right- WAAAAAA!!"

"Having fun?" Jack said, leaning against the wall.

"YOU. DO. NOT. MAKE. ME. JUMP!!" I yelled.

He'll make my skin wrinkle.

Jack rolled his eyes.

His, pretty, shining-like-pools-of-glistening-mud-make-me-want-to-kiss-you eyes…

"Meet Olad"

He looked at her.

"You realise that, Olad is a paper cup, right?"

What else would she be?!

"Duh!" I snapped at him.

"Oh god, he's gone senile"

"I CAN HEAR YOU KNOW!" I yelled.

"Are you okay?" Someone said through the comms.

"Fine!" I said back "I'm talking to Jack"

"Um…" Jack's voice came on "I'm hear"

OH MY GOD, I'M SENILE!!

"LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!! LEMME OUT, LEMME OUT!!"

"Tea time!" Eye candy said, from the other side of the cell.

"Are you really there?" I asked.

Either way, he looks hot.

"Yes" He said cautiously.

"Rip of your shirt and have sex with me"

"WHAT? NO!!" He shrieked.

"Thought it was you" I sighed, "Waiter! I want service!"

God, he'd never make it in a restaurant.

"Um… Okay"

He practically _tiptoed_ towards the cell, and then slowly opened it. He then almost threw the food at me, and dove out.

Too slowly though.

I grabbed his foot.

"GERROFF!" He screamed, kicking out.

"No!"

Seriously, did he really think saying something like that would work?

He wriggled about, and got away.

"HA!!" I yelled "I HAVE YOUR SHOE!!"

He straightened up on the other side "Don't expect dessert again!"

"FINE!!"

The shoe _reeks._

And here I was thinking he was all cleanliness and hygene.

This is killing me.

I'm dying.

The shoe is _poisoning_ me.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!" I yelled.

"What now?" Jack sighed "Normally our prisoners are silent!"

I looked around the place a bit.

"Yeah, because you've knocked most of them out!" I snapped back.

"Are you hinting at something?"

JOHN! Shut it!

I need some sort of escape.

Any bloody sort of escape.

This is where Gray should come in.

Why hasn't he come in?

I reckon…

Okay, so my shoes are rather smelly (I think I killed someone once with them) and so is my (I wish) lover boy's.

COMBINED TOGETHER.

Methane?

Something like that. Enough to set off one of those you're-going-to-die-of-poisoning-because-of-your-builer's-are-trying-to-rip-you-off alarms off.

I held them together.

BEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEP.

"What the fuck is going on?" I heard Jack yelling.

"I don't know!" Another person said.

"Get everyone out of here!!"

Jack burst in.

Looking oh-_so_ attractive.

"Ooh… My hero!" I smiled.

"I don't know what's going on!" He snapped at me "But if I find you're to blame…"

_Touchy._

He grabbed me and yanked me out.

"WAIT!!" I yelled "SAVE OLAD!!"

"WHAT?!" Jack screamed, he sighed and reached into my cell.

That's when I kicked him into it.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Jack yelled.

I grabbed his gun and shot him.

Yeah, yeah, I know he can't die.

But he makes a bloody good target.

And anger management tool.

Taking his watch, and card swipe thing, I walked off.

With Olad, of course.

Walking out, I had created havoc.

"Where's Jack!" Gwen screamed, throwing herself at me.

Kinky.

Oh, no wait, she wanted to attack me.

"Oh, he's safe" I smiled "Safe"

"I swear-" She started.

"Now that's exactly what he said!" I laughed.

"What's with the paper cup?" Eye candy poked his head around "And where is my shoe?!"

Second thoughts.

"Um… Okay, so maybe Jack isn't safe"

"WHAT?!" They all screamed in perfect harmony.

Maybe they should be a choir.

"I have to go!" I said quickly, ducking down in case the mad one attacked me.

"JUST YOU WAIT!" She yelled.

The mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work unless it's open.

Not sure why I thought that, but… I find it useful.

"Now" I stood up "Guns don't kill people…"

They all blinked at me.

"But they sure help!" I held up my baby- Gun, I mean.

"I WILL shoot, if you come near me, and I WILL kill"

Good rhyming John.

A man once sat me down and told me that a society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in….

…. I shot him the next day.

* * *

Hurm… Not my best chapter, but I wanted him out of that cell.

Please R&R, NO FLAMES!!


	10. Pucker Up!

Okay, so… my thanks to… **Pen-to-paper scribbles, rarax1, tamen no sabaku, timelady1210, kateg123, doctor-who-mad-gal, dru, souless-tears, celuthea, **and** lyra the badwolf.** Thanks, it was the funniest thing, I have a pregnant cousin, and she was looking at my reviews, but she keeps on getting mood swings, so, about half an hour later, she was sobbing into my arms: "THESE PEOPLE ARE SO NICE… I love them all!!" I was _slightly _freaked out, are they meant to do that, or is it just..?

Oh, and to Souless-Tears, I LOVED the song, I totally recommend 'enter shikari' 'adieu' they're kind of like the UK's answer to Linkin Park (dunno if you've heard them) and… Yeah. If you have any other songs. I need some!

* * *

So here I am.

All cosy in the Torchwood hub.

I've knocked out the others. And I did a bloody good job. (I heard a bunch of kids talking about something called Youtube… Think I may use it)

One problem.

A big one.

Jack, in the cells, is doing something.

Any guesses?

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

Kill me.

Now.

"SHUT UP!!" I yelled.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

WHY MUST HE INSIST ON YELLING IT LOUDER?!

OH. MY. GOD.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

Why, God, WHY?!

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

Has anyone noticed, how it was Gray, who made me do all of this. This... Torture?!

I sprinted down to the cells.

"SHUT IT!!" I yelled, throwing a mug at the door.

"THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE MUG!!" He screamed "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!!"

Trust me, I'm feeling pretty rough already.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

Must. Refrain. From. Shooting. Jack.

"OKAY!!" I said loudly "OKAY!!"

Jack blinked for a second.

"I'll make you a deal"

Step one. Propose the plan.

"What?" Jack asked.

Step two. Oh, no, wait, I have to actually propose it first…

"I'll let you out…"

My favourite part.

"If you kiss me"

Step two. See the other persons reaction.

"Ooh…"

Gee, thanks Jack. You're supposed to sound HAPPY.

This is me we're talking about, remember?!

"Maybe not.."

"Fine! I'll just go put 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves on repeat, shall I?!"

"Okay!" Jack said quickly.

Funny that.

I opened the cell door.

Pucker up, Jack!

Yay. Me and Jack kissed!

"Happy?" Jack said, after kissing me.

"Well, you acted like I was your Gran or something, but…"

"HAPPY?!" Jack snapped.

His Gran was attractive.

"Yeah, but… You're staying!" I pushed him back in "Thanks for the kiss!"

Damn, Gray'll be pissed.

* * *

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

Stupid, stupid _stupid_ John.

"I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, GET ON YOUR NERVES, I KNOW A SONG THAT'LL GET ON YOUR NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!!"

I have a plan.

Turn the heating up.

Again.

I've been doing this for the past twenty minutes, it's now… about thirty degrees.

And Jack is sweating.

Mmm…

I figure, a bit higher, and his shirt will be _off_.

Salvation!

* * *

And that is what I got.

Mouth is watering at the thought of Jack.

Please r&r.

No flames!


	11. And they're OFF!

Ta to my reviewers: **00-VampireKisses-00, CrazyforTorchwood, Pinkfairy727, Skankdragon Blackheart (x2), Celuthea, Souless Tears, Timelady1210, Lyra The Badwolf, Kateg123, rarax1 and doctor-who-mad-gal.**

* * *

Mm... Jack.

Alas, he has _just_ made my day.

He took his time though.

Can you guess what has happened?

Jack. Took. His. Shirt. OFF!

HA HA!!

"Alright sexy?" I yelled through the comms.

"SHUT UP!" Jack yelled back (Ooh... Anger management needed here!) "And could you turn the heat down?"

Sure Jack. Sure...

OOPS, pressed the wrong button, heat's gone up! Silly old John.

Wait, I mean silly _young_ John.

"WHAT?!" Jack shouted "IT'S GETTING HOTTER!"

"Eer... Yeah! Temporary defect!" I smiled back.

"Ugh..." I heard behind me.

Oh, it looks like the others waking up. I _knew_ I should have drugged them.

Damn, next time actually _listen _to what Gray was saying.

"I- Ugh... What?"

I turned around, alas, it's... Um... Washerface.

Sorry, Was_his_face.

"Hi" I smiled.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" He yelled.

"Now, I realise what must be going through your head at this point, but..."

"I DON'T CARE!" He screamed (this is giving me a headache) "GET ME OUT OF THESE ROPES!"

Oh yeah... Because I'm really going to realise him. Yes, I _do_ have a death wish. Idiot.

"If you want you can go join Jack" I said to him "I'm sure he'll love your company"

I STILL can't think of his name.

Ron? Lucy? No wait, he's a guy. Achilles?

I'll just call him Brad (Pitt)

"Hey Brad!" I smiled.

"What?" He blinked at me "BRAD?!"

"What?" I laughed "It suits you"

I was reading a magazine, and it's that thing where it says 'if someone was playing you in a film, who would it be?'

I dunno who i'd have... Hm...

Brad (Pitt) interrupted my thoughts "My name's Owen. Idiot" He grunted.

See? I KNEW it was Owen.

"Oh... I knew that" I said quickly "So how was your kip?"

"Oh FINE" Owen snapped "It doesn't matter that my head is killing from where you hit it, and my arse is hurting because that's where you stunned me!"

Ha.

"I'll kill you" He said (And not in a nice tone either) "I'll bloody kill you!"

"Shh..." I whispered "You'll wake the others!"

"GOOD!!" Owen yelled (touchy!) "YOU WAIT UNTIL GWEN WAKES UP! SHE'LL GUT YOU!"

Oh. Gwen. 'I'm going to rip you in half' girl.

"Yeah, you're joining Jack" I nodded.

I grabbed him and dragged him up.

"God, you're light!" I said to him.

"IT'S CALLED BEING WIRY!!" He screamed.

Okay then... We have a lunatic here.

"Hi Jack!" I smiled "Meet... Um..."

What's his name again?

"Anyways, meet him." I laughed, throwing him into the cell with Jack.

"Where's your shirt?" Owen asked.

"Don't ask." Jack muttered "Just. Don't. Ask."

* * *

**Later.**

"Owen, you really need to work on those abs" I heard Jack say.

Yes, that's right. Owen has taken his shirt _off_!

It's like all my birthdays rolled into one.

"Shut it" I heard Owen mutter.

I'm still thinking about an actor to play me. Maybe Tom Cruise? Nah... He's a tid bit short. Ooh... I could have Cameron Diaz!

Yeah... Cameron... She's just- AAGGH!!

Ouch. That hurt. Stupid chair. That's the second time i've fallen off it.

It hates me. It's Satan's chair.

I got up, rubbing my back.

Oh... It's Nerd Girl, and she's out of her ropes and stuff.

"Whao..." I said "Are you related to Houdini? Or is it Haiducii?"

"No" She frowned. Ha. She's shaking.

"Do you wanna join Jack?" I asked "And..."

DAMN! Why is his name so hard to remember?!

"No... But I want to shoot you" Nerd Girl looked at me.

"They're topless?"

She seemed to brighten up at this.

"Well, maybe... NO! You're bad!"

"Not BAD... Strange, maybe... But bad? Nah..." I shook my head.

She's still shaking, it's good to know that she's scared of me. I think I should be ashamed.

"Now... Um... Nerd-"

"Toshiko!" She snapped.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know you don't want to attack me, because... Well..."

I need a plan, I have to get her into a cell.

Okay, so she's a nerd, right... Which means...

"OH NO! YOUR COMPUTERS BROKEN!!" I screamed pointing in the right direction (I hope)

"WHAT?!" Tish- Sorry, Tosh yelled, spinning around.

"HA!!" I grabbed her and dragged her to the cells.

"Seriously Owen" Said Jack "Use weights or something, I find-"

"Hi!" I held her up "Meet Toshibo"

"TOSHIKO!!"

Who cares? I threw her into the cell with them.

I ran back up the stairs.

Oh no.

Oh God, no.

This could be a problem.

Gwen (A.K.A Crazy-Psycho-I-need-to-go-to-a-mental-asylum-and-have-all-the-treatments Girl) Was awake.

And boy, did she look pissed.

Sod Cameron Diaz, I want Orlando Bloom to play me.

"John" She smiled.

Consider me a dead man.

* * *

That is the next chapter.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Please R&R (I want MILLIONS! XD) No flames!


	12. I ROCK

**OKAY. So thanks to: 00-vampirekisses-00, Skankdragon Blackheart, Wannie822, Fifth Buisiness, Xeelia, Depps Darlin, Doctor-who-mad-gal** (good week for you, huh?)** timelady1210, Kirric, Pen-to-paper scribble, Lyra the badwolf, Kateg123, Souless Tears, crazyfortorchwood, rocmysox, outlaw of Sherwood, dru, and rarax1 for being so kind as to review that last chapter.**

Oh, and DUDES? Or Dudettes? Can you guys PLEASE finish your stories? I'm sick of reading half finished ones! Especially when they're brilliant!

* * *

"Gwen… DARLING!" I smiled "Um… How are you?"

That's the way to do it. Just act cool.

Wait, I _am _cool, I don't have to act!

"You have ten seconds to run" gwen snarled.

I'm not running. I'm fucking sprinting.

"TEN!"

Oh God I'm gonna die!

"NINE!"

Where's Gray when you need him?!

"EIGHT!"

I whimpered, running under a desk or something.

"SEVEN!"

Maybe suicide is a better choice?

"SIX!"

I heard her getting out a gun.

And a knife.

"FIVE!"

Oh God, she's going to skin me!

"FOUR!"

I don't want to be a blanket!

"THREE!"

Yeah, suicide.

"TWO!"

Just breathe John. BREATHE. She won't kill you.

Will she?

"ONE!"

I'm too hot to die!

"I'M NOW CO-"

"Giugh…"

"THANK YOU GOD!!" I screamed.

"Ianto?" I heard Gwen say, "Are you okay?"

"I think so… I- Where are my trousers?"

Oops.

"JOHN!" Gwen screamed, "THERE'S TWO OF US NOW!"

"YEAH!" Ianto (A.K.A I have BRILLIANT legs boy) "THERE'S GWEN WITH- Is that a samurai sword?!"

"Duh"

"Um… GWEN HAS A SWORD AND I HAVE… I have…"

Does he even know what his job is?

"I HAVE A STAPLER!" He screamed.

Gwen tutted and passed him something.

"ACTUALLY, I HAVE WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LASER!"

WHAT?!

Yeah… I ran from out of the desk and dove for cover…

…. Down some sort of manhole….

WOW! I'M IN JACK'S ROOM!!

"Wahey…" I smiled.

I'm gonna try and find his diary!

Oh… No…

A sword is coming down the hole.

"Johnny…" I heard Gwen coo.

DEPP?!

"WHERE'S JOHNNY DEPP?!" I yelled.

OH! I get it! She means me.

That's not good.

Not good at ALL.

"Um… Hello" I whimpered.

"Get up here now! I want it to be on cameras when you die!"

Who is she? Quentin Tarantino?

"Okay" I climbed out of the hole (search for the diary if I make it out alive).

Now.

Play. COOL.

"If you killed me, you'd be making a mistake!" I said quickly.

I said COOL!

"What?" Ianto poked the laser thing at me "Why?"

"I changed the codes for the cells. You wouldn't be able to get the others out" I smiled.

Wow, I AM good.

See? You don't need Gray to be evil.

Gwen growled, yes… She GROWLED at me.

"Damn!" She snarled "Okay, so here's what's going to happen" She put the sword to my neck "You're going to get the others out of those cells, and then…" She paused.

"Then give me my trousers!" Ianto snapped.

"Yeah!" Gwen said quickly.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine!"

They then (for some strange, and totally unexplainable reason) felt the need to escort me down to the cells, where I typed in the code (If you change the numbers into letters, It's 'I ROCK')

"Hello" I muttered as they all glared at me.

They still don't have their shirts on.

"Hello" Jack said, smiling at me (faintable, but punchable) "In there. NOW!"

I groaned and walked in, Jack turned to me "And Olad isn't there!"

Damn!

I grabbed at one of them quickly, and pulled out my gun (I love how pockets can hide things)

"Let me go! Or… She dies!" I yelled.

"Hello?" They replied "I'm a man! You idiot!"

Oh. I'd grabbed the Doctor person. Again.

"I knew that" I kept my eyes on the others "Let me go!"

They all glared at me again (obviously bad eyesight) and Gwen swore at me (what the hell?) I walked out of the cell, keeping a firm hand on my (half naked) hostage.

"Now…" I said "You lot, are going to take ten steps back. And then the team will stand there for ten minutes, whilst Jack will go and find his diary, and give it to me. He will THEN find a shovel, and come with me… Only then I will release this guy" I poked him with my gun.

Jack muttered something and took a step back, walking off.

"Thank you!" I smiled, taking my hostage up the stairs "How am I doing so far?" I whispered to him.

"I really don't know" He said to me "My arse still hurts from where you stunned me" HA! "I'm half naked, cold, and I have a gun pointed at me"

I laughed as Jack returned, clutching a small book and a shovel.

This is my plan coming into place.

"Diary. Now"

I WANT to know what I missed out on.

Jack tossed it to me, "Now let Owen go"

I smiled as I took my gun away from his temple.

"You come with me" I said to Jack "Or I'll kill off the people in your team. In front of you"

As if I would.

* * *

**Ten minutes later. In the SUV**

"Do you even know where you're going?" Jack asked me.

No.

"Yes!" I snapped, "Now shut up, and let me drive"

Jack rolled his eyes and shuffled about.

Oh yeah, he's still half naked, and I chained his hands up.

"You're going to love this part" I smiled, turning sharply.

"What?" Jack snapped.

"We're going back..." I smiled.

"To the future?" Jack asked "I love that film!!"

What?

"No!" I rolled my eyes.

At least I don't think so. Gray told me what to do, and when I asked what he was going to do to Jack, he suddenly became very vague...

... Strange.

* * *

Please r&r. No flames.

Enjoy the last episode.


	13. Family Reunion

Thanks to these Dudes/Dudettes: **00-Vampire-Kisses-00, Souless Tears, Kateg123, Doctor-who-mad-gal, Skankdragon Blackheart and Rarax1 **for being so kind as to review.

**Skankdragon Blackheart**- I think the BBC would be scared if I wrote their scripts… For one thing, all the men (except the dude who plays Rhys) would be topless… XD

* * *

"Right" I smiled at Jack as we got out of the car "We're here!"

He looked around grumpily "And where is that exactly?"

"How should I know?!" I replied, "_I'm _not the one who was reading the map!"

Jack frowned "And neither was I!"

Crap. We're lost.

Curse Gray, if he could just be normal for once, this wouldn't have happened!

(He obviously sees me as some kind of role model)

"So…" I turned to Jack.

He rolled his eyes "Is there any point to this?"

Well for me, yeah! I don't fancy being a human bomb. Not my cup of tea, thank you very much!

I turned around to see the rift opening slightly "Oh look!" I pointed "Time to hitch a lift"

I grabbed (an unhappy) Jack and sprinted forward.

Crap, I hate this part.

"OUCH!!" Jack yelled as he hit the ground. I fell forwards and flopped for a second.

"Ugh… My stomach" I mumbled, I sat up "I GOT WINDED!!" I sobbed.

"Boo hoo" Jack muttered sarcastically.

Thanks. Married for almost five years, and he doesn't even care.

Is that counted as abuse? I could get rich.

"I gotta go throw up" I stood up to find a bush "Enjoy yourself"

I have no idea where I am. Or where the nearest toilet is.

Curses.

Oh look, there's Gray.

"Hi!" I smiled to him (well, winced) "You look… Pissed"

He did, he stormed forward over to Jack, and hugged him tightly.

Without me?!

"HEY! WAIT!!" I yelled, running up to them "CANNONBALL!!"

"Oof!!" Jack yelled as I dove on them.

"Aah… SHARE THE LOVE!!" I smiled at the two of them.

Jack didn't move, and Gray stood up.

"I've waited for that" He said happily.

I kicked Jack.

He didn't move.

Surely that's not a good thing.

"Uh… Jack?" I frowned and kicked him in the crotch. Hard.

"Oh, don't worry about him" Gray said, getting out a stick with a piece of metal on it " I stabbed him!" He said proudly.

"You're very… Strange" I said to him "Have you seen your counsellor recently?"

Gray shook his head "Not since I shot him, why?"

"No reason"

Freak.

"ARGH!!" Jack yelled, suddenly sitting up.

I've noticed that he's always very loud when he comes back to life. God help him if he becomes a spy.

"Good morning!" Gray said "And how are you?"

"You… Stabbed… Me" Jack gasped.

No shit Sherlock.

"Well, isn't this a nice family reunion?" I laughed nervously.

I swear this isn't what I thought would happen…

* * *

MY version:

"JACK! JACK!! IT'S YOU!!" Gray yells happily, running forwards.

"GRAY!!" Jack screams happily.

They run to each other in slow motion.

"WOW! IT'S REALLY YOU!!" They jump around in circles for a few minutes.

"Now… Have you met John?" Jack says.

"Yes, isn't he wonderful?"

"And SO attractive"

"Gorgeus"

"Smart"

"A generally nice person"

"Always does what's best"

"I love him…"

* * *

"John? JOHN!!"

What a fun day dream.

"Do you want me to blow you up?"

SNAP OUT OF IT!!

"What kind of question is that?!" I yelled.

"A smart one" Gray shrugged.

"It's not Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!" I snapped back.

Gray shrugged. Ignorant sod.

"Here's what's going to happen" He said "Grab the shovel and then-"

"The what?" I frowned.

"The bloody great spade!" Gray snapped.

"What?"

"THAT!!" He pointed to the stick thing.

I knew that!

"And then you bury Jack, and then you can go"

I fancy going to the Bahamas.

"Okay" I shrugged "Toodles Jack"

Jack blinked at me, and then Gray pushed him back into the ground, where there was a huge hole.

"Well isn't this the highlight of my week" I muttered as I chucked mud onto him "I swear, if my boots get ruined out of this…"

I hate Gray.

I mean, seriously, a good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting beside you say " Damn that was fun!"

I hate them, I hate them all.

* * *

Ta daa.

So I've made this my story, but then switched it so it can fit to the BBC's version of stuff. Yay.

Please R&R


	14. My heart

Thanks: Doctor-who-mad-gal (sort of!), fifth business, timelady1210, souless tears, kateg123, and 00-vampire-kisses-00 for being so kind as to review.

Disclaimer (I keep on forgetting the bloody thing!): I do NOT own Torchwood, mainly because if I did... Life would be fantastic... And life CANNOT be that! Muahahaha.

* * *

"LET'S DANCE TO JOY DIVISION AND CELEBRATE THE IRONY, EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG BUT WE'RE SO HAPPY!!"

Ah, The Wombles. No, wait, Wombats.

Beauty in a song.

"LET'S DANCE TO JOY DIVISION AND RAISE OUR GLASS TO THE CEILING..."

Who are Joy Division?

"IT COULD ALL GO SO WRONG... BUT WE'RE SO HAPPYYYY!!"

Ha, compared to Torchwood.

"What?" I said, as a man passed by.

Or is it a woman?

Whatever, alien she... he... woman...

Shut it John.

His fault for staring.

"SO GRAB YOUR PURSE AND TAKE A-"

"Sir?" Someone poked me.

Ouch.

"Yes? Are you going to apologise for interrupting my song? Compliment my singing skills?" I asked.

"No"

You can SO tell he loves me.

"Singing has been banned on this planet... Especially when it's bad singing"

"WHAT?!" I yelled.

"You're barred from planet Ghonisdaf" The alien man-woman said shortly "You have 156 seconds to leave... Before we blast you into a black-hole"

WHAT?!

"Good day Sir"

WHAT?!

WHAT?!

"Well sod this planet! I didn't like it anyway!" I snapped.

Take THAT!

To the rift mobile!

Na na na na nan an na na na na... JOHN MAN!!

JOHN MAN!!

I jumped into the Rift.

"GOODBYE SWEET PLANET!" I yelled, waving "AND TO SAY GOODBYE..."

"Get him away" She he said.

"NEAR..."

"SHUT HIM UP"

"FAR... WHEREVER YOU ARE!! I BELIEVE THAT THE HEART DOES... GO ON!!"

I should turn around, so that I can find somewhere that I want to go. But this is my pride!

"ONCE MORE YOU OPEN THE DOOR!!" I screamed, laughing at people covering their... What look like ears. They could be their noses.

"SO I BID YOU ADIEU!!" I yelled "FOR I AM CAPTION JOHN... THE GREATEST MAN OF ALL..."

"John?" I heard someone say behind me.

"Aloha... My sweet, kind- "

Oh crap, it's Gwen.

I'm on Earth.

Gwen blinked at me "Sweet, kind...? Finish your sentance"

Uh...

Must. Refrain. From. Calling. Her. A. Warlock.

"Sweet, kind... Human" I said.

Good 'un.

"Shut up and put your hands behind your head" She fired at me.

"How long have I been on Earth?" I asked "Did you hear my singing?"

"Is that what you call it?!" She asked. Handcuffing me "We thought you were being totured"

"We?" I turned around, to see the rest of the 'gang' (apart from Jack) "SEXY!!"

"What?" Ianto said, he then blushed furiously "I mean... Who are you talking to?"

* * *

At the Hub.

"So..." I said, smiling at them "How are you all doing?"

"WHERE THE FUCK IS JACK?!" Gwen suddenly started screaming.

"YEAH!"

Great, I have five guns pointed to my head (Gwen has two) i've been handcuffed, and my throat hurts from singing. Joy.

"YEAH!"

This is going to be fun.

* * *

So... That's the next chapter. Basically, John went on holiday to a nice planet, and then went the wrong way in the rift and turned up on Earth. Muahaha.

Please R+R, no flames.


	15. My Working week

Hi guys.

So I think the last chapter was kinda bad, but it was because I had NO ideas, so I was trying to keep it going as best I could. Sorry.

Thanks: Kateg123, Lutherian, Souless-tears, doctor-who-mad-gal, timelady1210 and Lyra The Badwolf for reviewing.

Muahahahahaha... New chapter.

Guillemots-Last Kiss.

Listen to it, and watch it's video. BRILLIANT.

* * *

"WHERE IS JACK!!" Gwen screamed.

"Did I ever tell you how lovely you sound when you're angry?" I asked.

"Shut it, I will kill you!" She snapped.

She needs a counsellor.

"Tell us now!" Someone yelled from behind me, poking their gun at my head.

"He is... Somewhere" I said.

SLAP!

"OUCH!!" I yelled, wriggling on the spot "NO NEED TO SLAP ME!"

"WHERE?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" I shouted "I'M NOT A HUMAN MAP!"

I'm not even human.

"TELL US!!"

"What's the point?!" I said "I just said something, and you totally ignored me!"

"Because what you told us was crap!" Tosh said.

Wow... She swore.

This has to be serious then.

In a serious situation, a boy has to become a man.

"WHAT'S THAT?!" I said, looking up into the sky.

"What?!" They all looked up.

"ME RUNNING!!" I laughed, sprinting forward (which is rather tricky when your hands are tied behind your back) "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

"What was he looking at?" I turned around.

The idiots are all still there! Staring up at the sky, with their guns still pointing at where I was.

"FOOLS!!" I yelled, running off.

"SHOOT HIM!!" Gwen yelled.

Damn.

"Okay, okay!" I said, stopping, "There's really no need for that!"

I walked back to them...

I would have gotten away, if it wasn't for the meddling twats.

Gwen muttered something about gun not really being loaded, and grabbed onto my arm.

"We have a deal for you" She said, suddenly calm (it's scaring me) "Jack's gone, and we have a great big shitty mess to deal with..."

Oh God, I can see where this is going...

"So, I want you to..." Gwen paused.

"No need to explain, I understand" I said, smiling at her.

Gwen looked shocked, "You do?"

"It's okay" I said.

There are times when a man must be understanding.

"Because it's just been so hard, and I don't know what to do" Gwen sniffed "All we want, just once is for you to..."

"You want me to sleep with you" I said, nodding.

"What?!"

I knew she fancied me.

"I get the condoms, you find the lingerie" I said.

"NO!!"

Oh.

"What?" I said, staring at her "So... You didn't want to sleep with me?"

"NO!!"

I choked...

A girl... Knocked me back...

I might as well commit suicide now.

"But-"

"I have a husband!" Gwen snapped.

"Well he can join in if he wants!" I reasoned "It's all the same to me, I mean-"

SMACK!

"OUCH!!" I yelled again "STOP HITTING ME!!"

"All we want" Gwen was suddenly calm again (split personalities?) "Is for you to work for us, just for a week, until we find Jack"

Wow.

This feels good.

Must savour the moment, the feeling that I can do good, save the world, be the hero... is overwhelming...

"No fucking way" I said "Now release me from these oh-so-kinky bonds"

"Sorry, it's either a date with the weevil, or you work for us"

The weevil isn't that bad looking.

"Weevil! Weevil!" I said, jumping up and down.

Gwen looked at the others "This isn't what was meant to happen" She muttered.

Owen stomped forwards (sometimes he reminds me of a troll) "You're working for us, because the weevil will eat you"

"Yes Sir" I muttered.

Twat.

"Right, you start monday..." He said, taking the cuffs off of my hands.

* * *

Monday.

"So... You expect me to feed the weevils?" I asked Ianto.

"Yep"

"Whilst you guys go out and do your James Bond thing?"

"Yep"

I hate this man.

"And then you expect me to clean out their cages?"

"Yep"

Curse his good looks.

* * *

Tuesday.

There is no such thing as a fun job.

Trust me when I say that.

"Now all you need to do, is put all the bits of the body, into the bag" Owen said, stifling laughter.

"OH MY GOD!" I yelled "What the fuck is that?!"

"I believe that is a part of his brain" Owen smiled.

Arrogant fool.

* * *

Wednesday.

"So there I was, with an alien in front of me, and JUST as the lady was going to die, I killed it with a mere swoop of my sword" I said proudly.

"You were the lady going to die" Gwen said "And it was a bee that was going to 'kill' you"

"So?" I said.

"Go play with the Pterodactyl" She snapped.

* * *

Thursday.

"When do I get to leave?" I asked Tosh.

"Never" She said.

"Why?"

"Because you spilt coffee on my computer!!" She yelled, throwing a mug at me.

I KNEW she'd bring that up!

* * *

Friday.

"Whistle as we work!" I smiled, Gwen muttered something under her breath "What?" I said "I can't help it if the weevils have a cold!"

"Yes you can"Owen said "You didn't have to sneeze on them"

"I HAVE HAY FEVER!" I yelled.

"WHEN?" Gwen cried into the air "When will Jack be back?!"

"Hey that rhymes!" I laughed "We could make a song!!"

"I will shoot you"

* * *

Please R&R.

I wanted to show that John could work, and in the next chapter, I'm gonna bring Jack back (that still cracks me up.)

Jack is Back.

Back again.

Jack is back

Jack is back

Jack is back

Harkness is markless (couldn't find anything that rhymes)

Jack is back (back, back)

Gwen says when.

Owen says ten

Tosh says... Mosh!

Ianto says... Ganto?

Muahahahaaa...


End file.
